


i walk the line

by nygmaniacs



Category: Pacific Rim (Movies)
Genre: Emotional Manipulation, M/M, Mind Manipulation, Newt's POV, Newt's descend into madness, Nosebleed, Post-Movie: Pacific Rim (2013), Pre-Movie: Pacific Rim: Uprising (2018), but it's lowkey
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-13
Updated: 2018-09-13
Packaged: 2019-07-11 22:29:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15981848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nygmaniacs/pseuds/nygmaniacs
Summary: He finally got to share a bed with Hermann. Everything was perfect.Until it wasn't.





	i walk the line

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Halsey's 'I Walk The Line' cover which is a big pr:uprising!newt mood
> 
> Again, not English so forgive me for any mistakes

That second time he drifted with a kaiju brain, something had changed. He could feel it, deep inside his bones, stashed in the back of his brain. He figured it was because there had been a human around to accompany him this time. He wrote the presence off as the remains of Hermann. They would fade, they were just part of the ghost drift. 

 

So naturally, Newt chose to ignore it. It was unimportant anyway. They had done it, saved the world, drifted with a kaiju brain like absolute fucking morons but they had done it and they had succeeded and the world was back to how it used to be before the breach opened. Well, sort of. 

 

He also finally got to share a bed with Hermann. Everything was perfect. 

 

Until it wasn't. 

 

 

a.

 

They sat in their shared lab, Hermann scribbling away on his chalkboard, Newt sitting in his chair, leg bouncing. He was restless. His head hurt. He had woken up with a nasty headache that morning and all the coffee in the world didn't help. He grew irritated. The sounds the chalk made against the board made him groan. He chewed on the nail of his thumb, closing his eyes and huffing. 

 

"Stop that," he hissed out, pressing his hand against his temple. 

 

Hermann didn't seem to hear him or maybe he didn’t care. He did that sometimes. It was part of their thing. 

 

Newt stared at him. The annoyance grew. His headache got worse. 

 

"Hermann, stop." 

 

His voice had gotten louder. 

 

Hermann continued. 

 

"I said STOP IT!" He yelled out, hands slamming down on the table in front of him. His breathing had picked up. Newt blinked a couple times. 

 

Hermann dropped the chalk and flinched, slowly turning around. "Newton, what has gotten into you?" He asked, voice sounding as irritated as Newt felt. 

 

"I'm sorry, I- my head hurts," he shook his head, fingers pressing against his temples. 

 

Hermann hobbled over, his annoyed expression immediately twisting into something resembling concern. Newt almost wanted to scold him for not using his cane. Almost. His headache got worse. 

 

"Maybe you should rest. Drifting with a kaiju takes a toll on you. Especially when you do it twice," he said. His voice had gotten soft. Quiet. His hand was on Newt's shoulder, slowly rubbing it. It should have been comforting but at the moment, all Newt wanted to do was pull away. Recoil. 

 

"Yeah," Newt agreed. "Maybe I should rest."

 

"Let me accompany you to our room-" Hermann said but Newt held a hand up, shaking his head. No, he didn’t want Hermann to go with him. He needed silence and the constant noise coming from his cane would drive Newt insane. 

 

"It's fine," he replied, his face twisting into a grimace. He really couldn't do company right now. 

 

He stood up slowly, leaving their lab and feeling Hermann's eyes burning into the back of his skull. 

 

This had been the first sign. 

 

 

b. 

 

The headaches came and went. It was nothing special. Years of stress that had built up inside of him finally needed a release and if it meant that he would get headaches for a few months, then he could live with that. The world was slowly recovering and so was the human race, Newt included. He could deal with a couple headaches because in the end, their life was a lot better now. Less stressful. Hermann and him could finally be open with their feelings because the end of the world didn't stand between them. 

 

Newt liked the changes. 

 

He liked waking up to Hermann's hands wrapped around his waist. He liked falling asleep next to Hermann. He enjoyed their light banter in the lab even more now; Hermann willing to participate more often. He liked that things had changed between them. They understood each other on a deeper level now, after they had seen everything of the other. They understood. 

 

There was a nagging at the back of his mind. In rare moments it would come out and dim his mood. It was probably his anxiety, nothing to worry about. 

 

Newt had always been rather... conflicted with his own image. One moment he was convinced he was the best the world could get and the next moment he wanted to sink into the ocean and cease to exist for just a couple of hours. He was like that. The nagging was just another thing that was Newt. Except, it hadn't been there before. 

 

Before, there had just been his own voice. Now there were... they weren't really voices. It was just- a noise. A stupid noise that would make him come down from his high and ground him and remind him that he was just one out of billions. Nothing special. He could be special! But he wasn't. Not yet. 

 

He didn't suspect any abnormalities because the noise was too just a bit too familiar. Too similar to his own little voice at the back of his mind. People changed, so he guessed that this was just another thing that had changed, transformed, evolved. 

 

The noise had been the second sign. 

 

 

c.

 

Christmas used to be his favourite time of the year. Newton wasn't a religious guy, he just really liked the spirit of Christmas, the coming together of people, the peace. And ugly Christmas sweaters. He had loved ugly Christmas sweaters. 

 

This year, though, he didn’t feel a single bit of enthusiasm. No Christmas spirit. Hermann noticed, Newton knew that Hermann had noticed because Hermann noticed everything. 

 

"Is anything- is anything wrong?" He asked one day as they were making their way down the hall and to their shared lab. Newton frowned. 

 

"Why would there anything be wrong?" He asked and glanced to his side. Hermann was staring at him with a questioning look. 

 

"Almost one week until Christmas and you haven't mentioned it once. No decorations in the lab, no stupid sweaters, nothing. Every year, the day after Halloween, you would start rambling about how excited you were for Christmas." 

 

Newton frowned. "Listen, man, a lot has happened this year. Sorry for not being as excited when I almost fucking died a few months ago," he snapped and, okay, that took even him by surprise. It came out harsher than the intended. 

 

"Newton-"

 

But Newton shook his head and cut him off. "Save it." He turned around and stormed off back to their room, laid down on the bed and pressed his nose into Hermann's pillow. 

 

There was a pressure behind his eyelids. Hermann's scent didn't comfort him. 

 

The third sign. 

 

 

d. 

 

Newton liked to be touched. Newton liked to touch someone. He liked the contact, liked being in someone's personal space. He especially liked being close to Hermann, it made him feel safe. A few years ago, he had done everything to get Hermann's attention on a constant basis. He never passed up an opportunity to be close to the older man and he never complained when Hermann touched him. Being touched by Hermann had been a privilege, be it a good natured pat on the back or a shove to get him out of his way. Newton had always welcomed his touch.

 

When Hermann put his hand on his shoulder and squeezed it with a smile on his face, Newton flinched away. 

 

The pain inside his skull got worse. 

 

"The hell, dude? Don't fucking touch me just like that," he hissed. 

 

The fourth sign. 

 

 

e. 

 

The noise had gotten... incredibly worse if Newton wanted to put it nicely, play into a fantasy where the pain was just a migraine that went away after a few days. If he had to be honest to himself, it had gotten unbearable. It didn’t show up every now and then, no, at this point it was a constant in his life. The pressure inside his head accompanied him just like Hermann did. He woke up next to Hermann in pain, he went about his day with the two and he fell into bed, exhausted, both always by his side. 

 

Newton had caught his nose bleeding a lot of times and made quick work to hide it from Hermann. He didn't want him to pry. These days, all Hermann did drove him in some way up against the wall, anyway. If the man ever showed concern, Newton would take it as a personal insult. Was he mocking him? Indirectly calling him weak? Hermann treated him differently or perhaps Newton was different now, not blinded by his affection and love anymore. 

 

A small part of his brain told him that Hermann was probably able to help. All he wanted to do was help Newton. That thought was quickly crushed by the blinding pressure. The pain told him that it was all Hermann's fault. He only hurt because Hermann was around. 

 

It made sense, didn't it?

 

The pain had started the moment the two had gotten closer. It had started the moment they had decided to be more than lab partners. 

 

It was Hermann's fault. 

 

His nose bled. 

 

The pressure grew. 

 

The final sign. 

 

 

-

 

"I got a job offer."

 

No greeting as he entered their- Hermann's lab.

 

Startled, Hermann looked up from his equations or whatever he worked on these days. "You what?"

 

"At Shao Industries. I took it." 

 

His head hurt. He stared, emotionless, as Hermann's face twisted into something that would've made him latch on to the older man and try to comfort him just a few months ago. Not anymore. 

 

"Newton, please-"

 

"My flight takes off in two hours. I already packed my belongings. Auf Wiedersehen, Dr. Gottlieb."


End file.
